My dearest,
"I hope you get stronger soon"
Why would you even say this.
Again a seed of hope planted in my mind.
Why would you want me to return?
Why is it only when I say goodbye that suddenly you want me to stay.
How can it be that you love me so deeply and dearly but you can't seem to be able to claim me accordingly.
You want me to get stronger soon, for what? To again spend years in limbo dancing around our desire for each other?
Once again saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I have done.
The hard part is not in the actual heartbreaking call.
The hard part is in every day after.
What? It has been 5 days since I lost my best friend.
He didn't die.
He just didn't want to swear to God & the government that he will be my best friend for life.
While he didn't want to I was ready yesterday. While he didn't want to I kept waiting around for him to be ready. Trying to bend my own life so somehow it could fit into his.
Neglecting my own life because eventually it wouldn't matter if we merged our lives together.
But how long can you neglect yourself in the hopes someone else will come save you?
The yearning is unbearable. The sadness is unbearable.
It is not an all encompassing sadness anymore. It is rather in all the small gestures our relationship shared.
Like when I come across a holiday destination and the first thing I think of is to send it to him because he is still the designated person in my mind.
Or when I come across a new couples acro trend and I want to send it to him so next time we are on the beach together we can practice it.
When I look pretty and I want to send him a picture.
When something silly happened and I want to share.
Am I writing here because I know he is my biggest fan and will most likely read this? Most definitely.
Do I expect to hear from him? Probably not.
Does that break my heart? Yes.
Is it better like this? I don't have an answer for you.
I am not sure how I will get stronger soon. I know how. I was functioning more aligned and centered to God's will before. It is just a case of trying again.
I am a little baby taking steps in God's image and it makes sense that I fall down when I haven't used my legs like this before.
But why can't we seem to just figure it out together? While we are still growing. We will have the rest of our lives together to get stronger.
"I hope you get stronger soon."
I hope you stop caring about my strength and take me as I am soon.
I hope you realize that stronger I will get regardless, even in your arms.
Forever Yours,
Zoë
Creative Existence 