My dearest,
the demons are coming for me
the last weeks i have once again felt so small
unable to get out of bed
frozen in fear
the unkind voices make me want to run
all I can do is stay right here
freeze for my own safety
for if i might move I might listen
follow their directions
it might seem i am complacent
or flat out lazy
just in bed for days at end
instead i am fighting a battle
against myself
for my mind tells me dreadful things
i might lay silently
inside i scream
scratch out my own eyes
see guns point at my head
accidentally fall of a bridge
drive into oncoming traffic
call myself too hopeless to live
i am terrified
all I can do is nothing
they are just thoughts i tell myself
we are real they yell back
i have been fighting to calm them for ages now
as long as i can remember perhaps
for some reason they always return
i know for some reason i seem to beat them
again and again
i am tired
i am exhausted
i am engulfed in sadness and fear
i don't know how i do it
why is this part of me inevitable
why can't i seem to lead a normal life
where sure i feel sad or unmotivated
not downright stupid for trying to live
it always passes
it always passes
it always passes
it always returns
i want to pass
whatever i do
why can't i seem to be just happy
content even
peaceful
at ease
i feel so done trying
what if i never heal
what if everyone is right (who is everyone)
and i truly am unlovable
with all my might
i reprogram myself
so i might be better for future generations
so i might be a strong head for my family
what if all attempts are futile
what if others (who are others) see what i refuse to admit
am i incurable?
Forever Yours,
Zoë
Creative Existence 