Creative Existence

I made it 111 days out of 270
that makes quite a dent, yet we are not quite there yet

This challenge was already life changing, I have so much fun going out sober, I don’t want to go back
to getting myself to a point of unawareness. It is all a mindset and I still end up having the most
fun. I am not dependent on a substance to let me enjoy the night.

During this first trial pregnancy I did end up having some sips here and there. I made the excuses for
myself. One glass won’t harm the baby. I would allow myself a cheat but only for good reasons. I became
way stricter with accepting substances from people and only said yes in the most absolute of special occasions.

Only half a glass of the new fancy wine after finishing RIEU
dancing like your life depends on it during the show and into the after party
say goodbye
last night thank god we survived

One glass of merlot after passing my graduation strategy
my red lip red dress on the red terras said red wine to celebrate

One puff after finishing the big moving days n saying goodbye to my old place
I held out the whole day until we were absolutely finished and the last closet was standing to take a hit
and I have never been so funny in my life
I was working the crowd all night I have a gift of making people laugh

Once more sex with my ex
I mean.. I asked God. If he is wearing green that means go so it’s okay if we have sex. God would
literally be giving me the green light.

One coffee a day
Because the doctors actually disagree… You can drink one a day it should be fine…

It does not matter what the doctors say! YOU need to cut out all drugs everything that is keeping
you addicted. Everything that alters your mind. Why are you tring to avoid yourself?

After religiously passing up and TELLING EVERYONE

I CAN’T DRINK I AM PREGNANT

FROM GOD

NO I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX

THEN I WOULD CHEAT ON GOD

I CAN NOT CHEAT ON GOD

This pact is a vow to yourself. You are God. You need to be loyal to Zoë. Discover yourself.
Date yourself. Really get to know her. Take her out. Work alongside her. Be present.

It turns out quitting all my addictions made me face the ultimate boss. Social Media. She’s been
present for a while now. For years she existed innocently on Zoë’s phone. Watching, learning,
stealing her time. Her essence, her attention. Because haven’t you figured it out yet? That is all that we are.

The start was strong. My nutrition and my hydration where on point. Gym 4 time a week. Then I went
through a whole move and backpacking. Coming back home and unpacking. Sure, the nutrition takes a
small hit though I am still feeding myself adequately and I picked up baking.

So many things to get through. Avoiding to start cleaning because it was such an overwhelming mess
of things that needed spots. You have absolutely no clue where to start. And the phone is such an
easy distraction. You are tired my sweet dear. Lay down. Rest. Watch. Stay. We can help you quiet your mind.
Numb your body. Entertain you forever. Release yourself into our warm grip. Hours upon hours each day lost.
Constantly fighting being frustrated with your own behavior and lack of discipline, lack of control or is
it lack of compassion?

I was tired, maybe a bit sad, exhausted from non-stop activity for months. Winter is coming.
Time to rest. Resting with your eyes glued to this blue eyed monster sapping your life’s essence.

After a week I couldn’t take it anymore. So brain dead depressed lethargic from endless time lost
on my phone. I had barely moved or been out all week. Only barely making the necessary can-not-cancel appointments.

I got myself out of the house for the promise of a j. I made it and rolled inside the shop. Before I
even smoked I recognized what I was really missing. My daily walks. One small block and you run into
various familiar faces. I debated smoking the j. I had ran into a colleague who one day before I had
been BRAGGING to about my 111 days.

Oops. Caught in the act. I did it anyway.

You are One. Omnipotent and omnipresent. All powerful and all present. One sees through all of our eyes.
We are One. We are awareness personified, experiencing all different perspectives Life has to offer.
You are One. You are Life. You are God. You are Goddess. You are Good. You are Love. You are the
Lifeforce of the Universe. You are here to Observe. See. Feel. Be. Live out the lives of Everyone in the Universe.

God & Goddess merge and become One.
Divine Union.
You are One.
You are Zero.
You are Both.
You are Neither.
You are New.

You need to Respect Yourself.

Stop giving away your attention. If you are going to do a detox.
Do it right. Quit everything. The whole nine months. The whole nine yards.
YOU deserve it. To go Above and Beyond.

One thing I am Greatful for in this funny plant we have access to
is that it gives me an inherent unavoidable disgust for my phone.
I am unable to even look at it, it makes me want to puke.

To break out of my phone’s iron grip this is exactly what I need.
I spend the whole night, singing, sorting acting, laughing, cleaning,
writing, dreaming. There is so much to do when you are not stuck on your phone!

At the same Time. I had to get honest with myself. I smoked out of my own accord,
for no good excusable reason. I broke my vow.

So we do a total reset. The new moon eclipse is coming up.
We are ready to restart this journey. I said nine months sober. So I won’t stop
until I pass My Own challenge. Prove Myself to Me.

I fail my first try? No biggie, let us try again until we get it right.

So I followed my highest excitement and ordered the barbie flip phone
to replace this horrible device and go back to basics. Cleaned out my iPad as well.

Three days smoking in the evening and all my unpacking got done.
My whole house is clean, spacious, ready for me to unleash my creativity.

In a way I am scared for the detox… How will I spend my days if I had 7 hour
screen time days? What will I even do for 7 hours each day. What will I face when
all of a sudden I have to actually exist with myself without distractions. I have
a whole list of activities that I would like to get done.

What would happen if I actually start doing them?

We will see….