I have the privilege of knowing when I will become pregnant.
Or rather: start my journey with God.
Or rather: take my vow to take care of myself.
6th of June. Next New Moon. And what do you know? It coincides with my ovulation phase. Except, we all know, coincidence doesn't exist.
It is all meant to be.
So now. 1st of June, one week before. I am in the coffeeshop smoking my last joint. Writing on my graduation.
Yes, I am going to the gym. Yes, I am nourishing my body. Yes, I stopped drinking. But man, I needed a last goodbye.
I have to say. I am scared. In a way I look forward to it and in a way I look up to it.
9 months… That is not nothing. I believe the last time I was sober like that was far before my 15th birthday.
I haven’t since spend nine months in a row, without alcohol, without drugs. And arguably without horrible eating habits.
I am scared of missing out. I am scared of truly having to face myself.
I am scared that I will prove myself wrong?
I am scared that I will not be able to do it and that would be proof I wouldn't be able to be a good mother.
On the other hand. I can't wait.
I simply can not wait.
Having my last smoking session with myself. I am almost wishing I already stopped.
I am done being influenced by substances. I am done fighting my mind - finding reasons and loopholes for why today is a good day for drugs.
I am ready to finally have a reason to say no.
I am ready for change.
Creative Existence 